


Close to her heart (where she belonged)

by sleeplessnightsky



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: Character Death, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:21:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27216346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeplessnightsky/pseuds/sleeplessnightsky
Summary: Set after Jamie comes home from her last time in Bly, after losing Dani.tw: panic attacks
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 3
Kudos: 80





	Close to her heart (where she belonged)

Jamie turned the key in the lock. 

She took a deep breath, and opened the door, staring at the empty apartment in front of her. All around her, only silence. Deep, suffocating, grey silence. As if all the colors and sounds had suddenly disappeared from the world. As if the life, the liveliness, had been somehow sucked away from that place.

With her.

Everything, even the tiniest detail, screamed her name, like an echo in the mountains. From the pot on the stove with which she had probably tried to make yet another cup of horrible coffee and then given up, to the three, maybe four — she couldn't remember — soaked towels still laying on the floor where there had been a pool of water coming from the bathtub only the night before.

Last night.

Oh, how much things had changed in only a handful of hours. As they laid in bed holding each other, Jamie recalls fighting off the calling of sleep tooth and nails, to remain secured in the present and enjoy the feeling of her body pressed against hers. Her soft, even breaths tickling her cheek as she slept. She knew things would be changing soon. She saw it in her broken resignation. In her empty eyes as she stared into _her_ reflection in the water. She heard it in the way she whispered her name, " _Jamie_ ". She could see her own pain reflected back at her, as the love of her life begged her to let her go. She knew. But she never would have expected "soon" to truly come so fast.

She took a step inside the apartment and mindlessly closed the door behind her, letting her bag drop to the floor. Her eyes traveled tirelessly across the room, as if seeing it for the first time. Her gaze landed on every tiny detail, the curtains, the coffee table, the paintings on the wall, each object hiding a story on the inside. Even that stupid bouquet of plastic flowers on the kitchen counter that Dani loved so much. She had brought it home one day, all giddy and cheerful, claiming that as she wasn't very good at taking care of plants, despite helping her at the shop from time to time, at least that way she would also be a "plant mom without endangering anyone". A wet, broken laugh escaped Jamie's lips, her heart heavy in her chest.

Dani.

Even something as simple as thinking about her name hurt. She walked aimlessly across the apartment, and suddenly found herself in her bedroom. _Their_ bedroom. It looked exactly the same as it did every night. The closet door still open. The bed in disarray. Her pink slippers on the floor near her side.

Except, this time she wouldn't come rushing into the room after work like a small tornado, leaving it a tousled mess of clothes and papers to trip in. This time she wouldn't absentmindedly take off her shoes and slip on her slippers, then heading into the kitchen to start making dinner, knowing full well she couldn't trust Jamie to do it.

This time she wouldn't.

Not this time.

Not ever.

She took a step closer to the bed, to the right side. _Her_ side. Her shaking hand raising up to rest on top of her white pillow. And she remained still. Just there. Eyes closed. Feeling the softness of the fabric against her palm. Floating between the past and the present.

After some time, maybe a minute, maybe an hour, she had no idea how to tell, she took the pillow in her hands and brought it close to her face. Inhaling deeply, suddenly she felt her lungs being flooded by a wave of her sweet, rosy scent. It felt so real, she almost expected to open her eyes and find her there, smiling up at her with a smug look on her face.

Almost.

Her heart constricted slightly at the thought. As if with a mind of their own, her eyes opened and scanned the room around her. She hated herself the tiniest bit at the realization that for a moment there, the smallest hint of hope had flowed through her veins. Her emerald gaze then landed upon an old picture on her nightstand.

It was a photo of the two of them, smiling as they looked at each other, eyes bright and full of love. The prospect of a long future in front of them, one day at a time. It hit Jamie that if she ever had to choose a memory to be tucked away in, she'd choose that very moment.

It was still early in their relationship, mere months after they left Bly. Flora, Miles and their uncle had come visit them because the kids claimed they missed their au pair. And how could they not? Flora had taken to snapping pictures of everything around her with the new camera she had recently received for her birthday, and as soon as Dani saw it, so simple yet beautiful, she had begged the child to have it. And of course the kid, ever the kindest, had accepted, claiming it would look " _perfectly splendid_ " on the nightstand in their new bedroom. And she wasn't wrong. Jamie heard, echoing in her ears, the light laughter that the au pair had let out at that.

Oh, how she missed that sweet sound.

She felt her eyes starting to water. She went to place the pillow back on the bed to take the picture in her hands, but the fabric slipped from her now sweaty fingers, and knocked the photo off the nightstand, its glass frame shattering to the floor.

It was too much.

She wasn't sure if the excruciating sound that resonated in the empty apartment and pierced her ears was that of the photo, or the sound of her heart falling to pieces. And suddenly, the dam broke.

All the tears that had pooled into her eyes spilled down her cheeks with the strength of a waterfall. Her chest felt empty, hollow, like someone had cut a whole in it. The only reminder that it was still whole, still entirely there: the piercing pain cursing through it. The heaviness of that feeling, squeezing her heart in its deadly grip, making it impossible to breathe. Uncontrollable sobs wrecked her frame, her small body unable to hold itself up. She felt her knees give out, collapsing to the floor in her bedroom and clutching the photo, now bare, to her heaving chest. She was suffocating. The more air she sucked into her lungs in rapid, ragged breaths, the more she felt choked up. She opened her eyes but it didn't make any difference: all she could see was pitch black. Tears were now flowing freely down her cheeks, the empty apartment now filled with strangled sobs and gasps for air.

And that's when she felt it.

A sudden, warm wave washed over her, starting from the top of her shoulders and spreading all over her body, like a tender embrace. For the first time in what felt like ages, all she could feel was calm. Soundless, soothing, serene calm. Led by that feeling of peace, she willed her breathing back to normal.

Inhale.

Exhale.

In.

Out.

Slowly.

Steadily.

Tears drying delicately on her cheeks, she sat quietly on the floor with her eyes closed, holding the photo to her chest, close to her heart. Where it belonged. Where _she_ belonged.

And she knew, right then and there, that no matter how lonely she felt in her upcoming years, she would never be truly alone. Because Dani, _her_ Dani, would always be with her. Calming her. Grounding her. Just as she had done during all their years together. 

Even though from now on, she would live on only in her memories.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope someone liked it despite the sadness in it. :)


End file.
